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After an 8 year battle with infertility and countless struggles, our family is finally complete. This blog chronicles the journey it took for us to start and build the family we always wanted. Background on the blog (started in 2012, just days before I found out the embryo transfer for our son worked).... I decided to start a blog after realizing I have only been able to make it through my TWW's (two week waits) with the help of Google and with the openness of other women suffering from infertility sharing their own stories and giving others hope. I have time and time again found my exact symptoms on other women's blogs and felt an overwhelming sense of calmness they provided me. I thought it was time to pay it forward and hopefully provide this same thing to other women on their own journeys.

Monday, March 21, 2016

6w6d - Going Mad!

I really really really wish I could TURN MY BRAIN OFF.   I wish that every minute of every day didn't feel like an hour.  I wish it was the very end of April (end of 1st trimester) - NOW.  I wish it was October 25 (38 weeks) - NOW!   The loss from last year completely destroyed my last ounce of confidence in that after hearing a heartbeat, the odds are waaaaaaaaay in my favor that I would bring home a bundle of joy (or two!).   I am tearing up as I write.  Maybe that is a symptom?   I have been symptomless the last few days.  Veins don't count in my book these days.   Just a hint of nausea would ease my fears, even if for only a few minutes.   Infertility post traumatic stress disorder is real and women who have battled infertility for 8 years and have had multiple miscarriages (the worst being my most recent at 9.5 weeks after such a good heartbeat) are definitely in its grips.   I can't be in the 1% again (the odds of of miscarriage at 9.5 weeks weeks with a good heartbeat).   Please God.  Hear my prayer.  Please grace the babies inside of me with CONTINUED LIFE.   Please let them be born healthy, happy, and strong.  Please give me strength for whatever my future holds.  Amen.

Our next sonogram is Wednesday.  37.5 hours from now.  I will be 7w1d.  Please God let our babies be okay!



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17 comments:

  1. Jill MarieMarch 21, 2016 at 7:03 PM

    Sending prayers! My symptoms totally went away in my pregnancy between 5 and 8 weeks.

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    1. Lauree and MikeMarch 21, 2016 at 7:17 PM

      Thank you Jill! I definitely need to hear things like this!!!! I also really really really appreciate your prayers!!!!! 💜💜🌈🌈

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  2. meredy338March 21, 2016 at 7:20 PM

    Praying for peace and strength for you for the next 2 days and 31w1d!

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    1. Lauree and MikeMarch 21, 2016 at 7:48 PM

      Thank you so so much!!! 💜💜💜🙏🙏🙏🌈🌈🌈

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  3. My (In)fertile ConfessionsMarch 22, 2016 at 9:53 AM

    Lauree I can only imagine what you are feeling now, and I can totally understand your fear! I know I too will have a hard time accepting a new pregnancy after suffering losses. But, Satan is SO at work here! He is using this to attack you, to put fear in place of trust! Fear is NOT from God. My verse while I was pregnant with my boys was Jeramiah 29:11-12, "for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you hope and a future. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." I am praying this over your sweet little ones! Anytime you fear fearful pray this verse over their lives! He has got them in His hands! ❤️🙌🏻

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  4. Texasteacher2020March 22, 2016 at 12:12 PM

    Prayers! I know it sounds silly, but just enjoy each day of pregnancy. This will be the only time you are 7 wks 0 days pregnant. Enjoy each day of the process with a hopeful, humble heart. Before the retrieval, we stress about the retrieval. Before the transfer, we stress about the transfer. Before the BFP, we stress about the BFP. Instead of enjoying the daily steps and process and glorifying God all the way. Instead of worrying about what could happen, praise God for what has happened and what He has done and for whatever He will do. :)

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  5. CarlaMarch 22, 2016 at 4:22 PM

    Do I ever hear you! Thank God you have two, it makes the chances of at least one healthy baby so much better. (Sorry to be blunt.) I can't wait for my baby to be born and in my arms so I can stop worrying. 39 weeks Thursday! Still determined to let baby choose birthday, but totally understand women who schedule something because the wait is so hard after years of failed fertility treatments. I can tell you that my first (pregnant on first try) did not involve any of this worry I have suffered after five years of ttc our second. Much as I want to schedule an ultrasound - I haven't had one since week 20? - I know it may just make me find something else to worry about. Major test of faith! You can do it, you are strong

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    1. Lauree and MikeMarch 22, 2016 at 6:31 PM

      I'm glad you understand! And believe me, as terrible as it is, that was my main relief seeing twins!!! I can't believe you're 39 weeks Thursday! I'd be getting that baby out and in my arms 8am on Thursday!!!!

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  6. UnknownMarch 22, 2016 at 4:46 PM

    I can't imagine how uneasy you must feel Lauree. Hopefully all the prayers coming your way give you a little bit of comfort. Praying so hard for you!

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    1. Lauree and MikeMarch 22, 2016 at 6:31 PM

      All the prayers definitely help me!!! Thank you all for them so very much!!!!!

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  7. EmMarch 22, 2016 at 7:07 PM

    I'm sending all of my positive thoughts your way!
    Also wanna say that I really like how you all have such confidence in God, you pray and all. I had my better and worse times with God but in my contry(Poland) ivf is seen by church with biiiiiiiiig disapproval. It's the biggest sin. Because of that I have turned away form Him...it's hard to choose from your religion what suits you and what not but now I'm thinking that it's not really Him who is disapproving.. I really would like to have someone wiser looking out for me,for us

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    1. Lauree and MikeMarch 22, 2016 at 7:44 PM

      I used to talk with a girl who lived in Poland going through IVF. I always felt so bad for her with how that country treats IVF. As for God...HE is definitely good. The church is run by man. You can still believe / pray. HE will listen (even if the men who run the church won't)!!

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    2. EmMarch 22, 2016 at 8:03 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. EmMarch 22, 2016 at 8:05 PM

      You are definetaly right:) But also I used to like going to church...but when you listen to what those people(prists) say..it is hard. My housband still feels the need of going, or the need of confession. But for me it's pointless. I don't regret what we're doing so in my mind it's not a sin. Ah,I started very hard topic but wanned to share my feelings:)
      When was it when you were in touch with that girl? Did she end up with succes??:) Right now in Poland it looks even worse then it was,I couldn't take the feeling that they (gouverment) can one day just end up everyrhing so we went to Czech Republic,so far You know...results are not so great:) Anyway Lauree, all the best for u and ur babies. I'm thinking very warmly about you

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    4. Lauree and MikeMarch 23, 2016 at 5:58 AM

      It's been a few months since I've spoken to her. Sadly, after many attempts, she was never successful. We had a falling out which I'm still sad about. I should reach out to her and see how's she's doing. Anyways I've heard great things about the Czech Replubic. Reprofit I think is their name. Stay strong through all of this. Our hearts know what they want. We are women and will jump through fire to get our babies!!!

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