I really really really wish I could TURN MY BRAIN OFF. I wish that every minute of every day didn't feel like an hour. I wish it was the very end of April (end of 1st trimester) - NOW. I wish it was October 25 (38 weeks) - NOW! The loss from last year completely destroyed my last ounce of confidence in that after hearing a heartbeat, the odds are waaaaaaaaay in my favor that I would bring home a bundle of joy (or two!). I am tearing up as I write. Maybe that is a symptom? I have been symptomless the last few days. Veins don't count in my book these days. Just a hint of nausea would ease my fears, even if for only a few minutes. Infertility post traumatic stress disorder is real and women who have battled infertility for 8 years and have had multiple miscarriages (the worst being my most recent at 9.5 weeks after such a good heartbeat) are definitely in its grips. I can't be in the 1% again (the odds of of miscarriage at 9.5 weeks weeks with a good heartbeat). Please God. Hear my prayer. Please grace the babies inside of me with CONTINUED LIFE. Please let them be born healthy, happy, and strong. Please give me strength for whatever my future holds. Amen.
Our next sonogram is Wednesday. 37.5 hours from now. I will be 7w1d. Please God let our babies be okay!
