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We had many struggles spread over 4 years to have our son Victor in 2012. We are now continuing our infertility journey to give him a sibling. I decided to start a blog after realizing I have only been able to make it through my TWW's (two week waits) with the help of Google and with the openness of other women suffering from infertility sharing their own stories and giving others hope. I have time and time again found my exact symptoms on other women's blogs and felt an overwhelming sense of calmness they provided me. I thought it was time to pay it forward and hopefully provide this same thing to other women on their own journeys.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Remembering Our Lost Little Girl

Baby Schloss
Though we never held your hand,
We will forever hold you in our hearts.
August 2015

Friday, September 18, 2015

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

9w5d - Our baby passed away

My OB got me in today for a sonogram.  There was no heartbeat.  The image of our dead baby on the screen will forever be burned into my brain.  lifeless.   No heartbeat.  The heartbeat that had I known it was the last time I'd hear it I would have listened a little longer yesterday.   Our baby died on Jack's birthday.   They are in heaven now together.    D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning.   I'm numb.

We are going to have the baby sent away to be genetically tested.  I pray there WAS something wrong with him or her and God spared him/her a hard life on the outside.

9w5d - I'm a Mess

I'm a mess.  Doppler takes under 5 minutes these days.   Last night I tried for 90 minutes to no avail.   Another 90 minutes this morning and nothing.   I think I'd die losing the baby this late.

Update:  Still no heartbeat when trying again at work.   Called OB and left a distraught message on the nurse's hotline.  Also my TSH doubled to 2.42.  It's not super high but of course that's upsetting now too.  I'm beside myself.  :(

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

9w4d - Essential Structures Complete

According to the due date tool (putting in July 1) I use, today marks the day that the "essential structures are complete"!   My baby's vital organs are all made (albeit they are still in their early stages).  :)   Small blog update, but huge milestone!

The next milestone it marks is "Movement Begins" on September 15, 2015.  :)

UPDATE: Baby died today but I don't know it yet.

Friday, August 14, 2015

9w0d - Weekly update

How far along? 
9 Weeks!

How big is the peanut? 
"Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce."

Total weight gain/loss? 
3.0 lbs as of this morning

Maternity clothes? 
Still doing the rubber band trick!

Best moment this week? 
Seeing our baby at the 8w5d sonogram!    I actually have been starting to feel sensations of the baby doing flip flops in there.  People do say that you feel the second baby waaaaay earlier than the first.  I think they were right!

Food cravings? 
No cravings, just eating everything in site though.

Food aversions? 
Not this week.

Harmony test scheduled for 8/24.  Results in 7 business days!

What's happening this week:
"She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain."

A little one.  Next belly pic at 10 weeks!

I haven't been documenting symptoms lately because there aren't that many!  I am lucky to not have any (now that I can use the doppler for reassurance).   Still vivid dreams, but rarely are they sexual - they are usually scary.  Typically a tiny bit tired after work with a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiny bit of nausea when I'm tired.  I have had a few boughts of nausea here and there in the middle of the night (8w and 9w nights exactly).   Boobs are bigger.  Headaches here and there in the evenings.  Veiny.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

8w5d - First OB Appointment and Ultrasound

Our first OB appointment went well.  We had four appointments actually!

1.  Sono
2.  New patient paperwork
3.  Meeting with OB (Dr. Weibel)
4.  Bloodwork

First appointment, the sono.  Amazing experience!  Baby measured 8w5d and that is exactly what I am today!   Here are some photos of our gummy bear!  

Head on the right, body on the left and little arms and legs coming out!

Heart rate is 175 BPM

3D - Little leg on the bottom.  Umbilical cord coming out by leg.

3D - Little leg on the bottom.  Umbilical cord coming out by leg.

Last few appointments went well too.  The OB said since we are doing the Harmony down syndrome test in a few weeks we won't have a 12 week sonogram!  Our next official sono isn't until 20 weeks!!!   Luckily there is a private place in Erie that will do sonograms after 16 weeks.  So I only have to wait 7.5 weeks (omg that is forever away).