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We had many struggles spread over 4 years to have our son Victor in 2012. We are now continuing our infertility journey to give him a sibling. I decided to start a blog after realizing I have only been able to make it through my TWW's (two week waits) with the help of Google and with the openness of other women suffering from infertility sharing their own stories and giving others hope. I have time and time again found my exact symptoms on other women's blogs and felt an overwhelming sense of calmness they provided me. I thought it was time to pay it forward and hopefully provide this same thing to other women on their own journeys.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Clinic Stats

Not gonna lie....pretty pumped about my new clinic's success rates.   My new RE even shared the 2013 stats (they are still coming in as people from the end of last year are still delivering their babies) and they are even better than 2012.  She was showing me as high as 83% for a fresh day 5 transfer (which I've never done for the record).   Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed for Mike and I as we head into IVF #3 this October (taking DHEA supplements for 90 days, hence the long wait to start).   Oh, I highlighted the row with the most meaningful stat....


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The State of My Tubes and Ute

My last HSG was in 2011.  That was the day I found out I had a blocked left tube.  I was shocked and asked how it happened.  The doctor said she didn't know and in fact could be temporary.  Anyways....... come full circle to today, over 3 years later...and apparently the latter was true.


Apparently it was temporary and it's perfectly fine now.  Interesting.  However my uterus is an arcuate uterus.  Meaning the top dips inwards instead of being flat across or even convex.   I googled it and "Overall, the arcuate uterus probably does not have an impact on reproduction and obstetrical outcomes."

The inside of my ute, looked at via an hysteroscopy, was squeaky clean too...


So, of course I'm all excited that maybe Mike's slow swimmers will miraculously get me pregnant before we do another IVF in October.  He should at least get them rechecked since he hasn't had counts done in over a year.  Maybe a year of not working out like a fiend has done his balls good and maybe his swimmers stand a chance now?

I'm not getting my hopes up too much though.  IVF #3 is totally going down in October if I'm not pregnant by then!


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Sad/Mad Rant

No medical updates... bitchfest ensuing...continue reading at your own risk.....

I wish I could be happy for them.  I AM happy for them - a little - but my sadness for myself trumps any shred of happiness I have for them.  You see, several friends have recently shared me with they are pregnant.   Even a few of my INFERTILE friends are pregnant and yet I still am just so sad/mad - "why them and not me?"  A close friend in real life (aka, not an internet friend) told me at a family party recently that she's pregnant but not announcing it yet.  This one stung because I would have been the same "weeks along" as her if I didn't miscarry.   An internet friend (aka, someone from my infertility forums) posted a sonogram photo on our hidden groups' Facebook page.  She's 8.5 weeks.  Just under what I would have been if I didn't miscarry.  This one stung because not only is it visual, but she was almost doomed for a miscarriage herself.  Her early betas not only were incredibly low, they REALLY didn't double at first.  Back then I thought for sure I was going to carry to term and she was going to sadly, miscarry.  How the world turned on me.  Now I get to stare at the tiny little arms and legs of her 8.5 week miracle on my Facebook feed (update... I found out how to hide this post from my feed).  I really don't want to be this bitter.  And I sure as hell don't want to be looked at as bitter either.  It is just hard watching so many women/friends walking around pregnant.   Why can't I have that?  Why can't I grow my family too?   No one can understand my heart unless they have been there too - and I know a lot of you reading this are there too.  Hang in there.  I hope we can all make it out together.  

Monday, July 14, 2014

No more betas for me!

I was supposed to have beta #8 today to confirm I finally have no HCG in my system.  Well, I was a crazy rebel and cancelled my blood draw appointment and didn't go!   You see, last Sunday evening I POASed and even though it was a squinter there was a second line.  My beta ended up being 7 the next morning.   Last night I POASed and there was NO second line whatsoever.  I am 100% confident I have no HCG in my system.  I don't want to rub salt on the wounds and go in and see ten million pregnant B's in the waiting room, nor do I want to be stabbed for the millionth time in the arm, nor do I want a copay for a blood draw I already know the result of!    I fibbed and said I'd call back and reschedule for that was horse poop.  I finally feel free of the chains of that nightmare.  Just glad to move on!

I apologize if my blog is super slow/quiet for the next couple of months.  I will just be taking supplements and gearing up to do another IVF at the end of October.  I do have to do a HSG and hysteroscopy as soon as my next period comes so I'll update you guys with those results when I get them.  :)


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Beta #7 and DHEA

Can't believe I've had SEVEN beta's so far.   Anyways, Beta #7 was 7.  I was hoping for 5 or lower because, just as I presumed, they want to repeat it next Monday.  I am going to POAS Sunday night (like I have the last two Sunday's pre-blood draw) and if it's stark white (which I assume it will be) I am going to cancel the test.   Anyways, I know that's a crazy unexciting update but I didn't want to NOT post it since it's apart of my journey and I also use my blog for documentation purposes.

I started all of my supplements (sans a few this go) in preparation for a retrieval in 3 or so months.  These next few months will drag as I just want to get the show on the road but I'm praying that the supplements, especially the DHEA, to work wonders on my egg quality.   I PRAY we only need to do IVF one more time.  I PRAY we only need one more transfer.  I could do it over and over and over but Mike, on the other hand, wants to stop and just raise Victor an only child.  I'm not sure how many more attempts I have before me with him wanting me to stop - and don't even get me started on financial resources (or lack there of).  


Monday, July 7, 2014

New RE

Mike and I met with a new RE last week.  WE LOVE HER.  We left UH Hospitals and have returned to the Cleveland Clinic, the place that gave us Victor.  We didn't return to the same RE at CC because I saw a doctor I knew I'd like during a live webinar a few months ago.  They all collaborate anyways, it's just now I have a nicer interface with my treatment.  :)   She said with the recent miscarriage I should wait a few months to try again.  That's good timing with my desire to start back on all the supplements - which need 90 days to work (I stopped taking them once I fell pregnant so I haven't been on them for well over a month - cancelling out all my hard work being on them before!)    There are a few I think I'm going to ditch, like the maca and bee pollen.  I am definitely staying on the DHEA.  Anyways, I have some preliminary lab results back.  

  • TSH 1.220   (Normal 0.400 - 5.500 uU/mL)
  • Anti Mullerian Hormone 1.599  (She didn't send the reference range but this is actually a lot lower than I'd like.)
  • Testosterone <12 (Normal 20 - 70 ng/dL) So I'm low.
  • DHEA-S 137.8 (Normal 10.0 - 221.0 ug/dL )

I sent my new RE an email asking several questions like, "did my recent pregnancy impact any of these?"  We'll see what she says.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Beta #6 & Ultrasound #3

Small update…… Beta #6 showed my hcg is down to 24. Luckily my body knew what to do and I won’t need a D&C. I go back next Monday to verify the number is down to zero.   An ultrasound also confirmed my uterus is empty.