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We had many struggles spread over 4 years to have our son Victor in 2012. We are now continuing our infertility journey to give him a sibling. I decided to start a blog after realizing I have only been able to make it through my TWW's (two week waits) with the help of Google and with the openness of other women suffering from infertility sharing their own stories and giving others hope. I have time and time again found my exact symptoms on other women's blogs and felt an overwhelming sense of calmness they provided me. I thought it was time to pay it forward and hopefully provide this same thing to other women on their own journeys.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Letrozole complete

Sorry the blog has been slow!  It will be kinda slow until mid/late December when we start the estrogen priming portion of IVF #3 take 2.  Anyways, I took my last letrozole pill yesterday.   Of course I'm praying for a miracle.  One miraculous super sperm from Mike to find it's way all the way to an egg next week!  I know it's a hail Mary but why not at least try right?  The drug was only a $10 copay!  So today is cycle day 8.  Typically I ovulate around cycle day 16/17 but I guess on letrozole it's pretty much going to force it to happen around day 13/14 which will be next Sunday/Monday.  We'll do the deed and sit and wait for 12-14 days to take a test.  No way I'm testing early this time.  I say that now, but I am an addict.  Out of my 100 internet cheapies I am down to only 7 or 8 though so I can't waste them!


Thursday, November 13, 2014

Letrozole and Psychics

I will take my first of five pills today (cycle day 3) of letrozole.  This is even more of a hail Mary than the IVF turned IUI last month.  But we may as well do SOMETHING to get a natural miracle this cycle since we have to wait for the holidays anyways.  :)

Also, my desperation has reached an all time high.  Desperate enough to buy a psychic reading off etsy. lol. Anyways, she sent me the reading (via video) and it was REALLY really emotional for me. It was a video taped recording, the 1st half was a prayer for Mike and I and the second half was a reading. I was super moved. If anyone wants to see it, I can send you a link to the private youtube of it. My main take aways were her saying, "Every challenge is a blessing in disguise, a gift that makes us stronger, more conscious, and ultimately, more alive." And, "Breath, everything is happening exactly as it should be." I truly believe this. I truly believe when I finally hold my baby in my arms everything will make sense as to WHY I went through what I did to get to that exact moment. That if anything different would have happened I wouldn't be holding that exact baby. I have always felt that way and it was just comforting to hear her tell me that.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

IVF #3 Rebooted - Plan

So, what helps me pick myself up is having a plan.  So here's the plan.   (It's a little long since I can't cycle at the end of December because the embryology lab will be closed.)

Mid November - Get 1st period.  I've asked my doctor if she could write me a prescription for clomid or letrozole for this cycle to at least ensure I ovulate.  Might as well use this cycle for one last ditch natural try effort!

Mid December - Get 2nd period

Late December - Confirm ovulation (not a "trying" cycle)

Early January - Confirm mid luteal phase and start estrogen patches and ganirelix shots (the estrogen priming portion of my new IVF cycle)

Mid January - Get 3rd period, baseline, and start stimming for IVF cycle.

Late January - Egg Retrieval

Early February - Embryo transfer

Mid February - Hopefully see a positive HPT!!!!


Monday, November 10, 2014

BFN

I just want to have a good cry.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that having a second child would be HARDER than the ordeal we went through to have our first.  :(  Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and live my life with 1 child.  Then I remember why I am doing this.  I am doing it for Victor!  I want him to grow up with a sibling.  But I never wanted him to be a bazillion years older than his sibling either.   My brother and I are only 18 months apart and I love it.  My husband and his sisters are each 3 years apart.  They love each other but don't talk that much.  I want Victor to grow up really close to his sibling(s) and stay close in his adult life.  Infertility is eating me alive.  I feel like I am completely losing my identity to this disease.  Yes, it's a disease.  F U insurance companies for not paying for my disease when you pay for gastric bypasses.  I know I sound completely bitchy but I cry as I write this.  I am just at my wits end.  I wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel but at every turn there are only more hurdles.  I am tired.  I think about my infertility about 90% of the day.  I just wish I could live my damn life and not struggle to have a baby while other's get it for free without even a second thought.   This TWW was really rough on me.  Moments I was positive I was pregnant, then pee sticks said otherwise.  Then pee sticks hinted I was with pink shadows of lines....how could THAT be an evap line?   But it probably was because the tests today are blank.  I am just tired.  Sometimes I think a flat out BFN would be waaaay easier than all this pee stick madness.   Going through the miscarriage in May almost broke me.   This is almost breaking me.   Yes, "at least I have Victor."   I put that in quotes because I'm sick of people belittling secondary infertility.   I hurt.  Maybe not as much as someone with primary infertility but I still hurt.   I hurt because I can't have the family that I always dreamed of having.  I am not getting any younger and our bank accounts aren't getting any fuller.  If you still like me after reading this rant then please pray for me.  Pray for me to find peace.   .......and mom, I'll be okay.

TWW Log

Log since the IVF got converted to an IUI....

0dpiui (10/27) = GIANT ovarian cramps on the right side of my body.  Definitely ovulated that side of eggs.  Thirsty.  We BD again that night just for good measure.  Started seeing lady bugs all around the house.  PLEASE be good luck!

1dpiui (10/28) = Ovarian cramps are all but gone.   Fluttery in lower abdomen (gas?).  Thirsty.  Left sided cramps a little in the evening.  Craving salt.

2dpiui (10/29) = Ovarian cramps in the middle of the night on both sides.  Especially after peeing.  Left sided ovarian cramps mostly.  Less thirsty.  Started prometrium AM and PM everyday now (progesterone...which WILL cause many symptoms going forward).  Exhausted in the evening.  Craving salt.

3dpiui (10/30) = Uterine cramps in the morning (probably from the newly started progesterone - too early to be anything else).   Ovarian cramps in the evening.  Smelly pee at night.  More awake than usually in the evening. Constipated.  Craving salt.

4dpiui (10/31) = Vivid dreams last night. Warm cheeks.  Dry eyes.  Heartburn. Constipated.  Craving salt.

5dpiui (11/1) = Vivid dreams last night. woozy in the AM for a split second.   Hot.   Sensitive nips.   One big burp.  Stabby pains in left boob around evening.   Trigger still in system. Constipated.  Craving salt.

6dpiui (11/2) =  Maybe a vivid dream last night?  maaaaaybe the tiniest of cramps early AM.  Sore throat mid day.  Maaaaaybe veiny chest PM?  Acne on chest PM.  Trigger still in system. Constipated.  Craving salt.  Irritable (more than normal?). 

7dpiui (11/3) = Super hot at night.  No vivid dreams last night.  Reflux in bed AM.  Colace finally worked.   Haven't really felt much in the last 24 hours.  Think this is most certainly a bust.  A few cramps after my shower.  No noticeable veins that aren't always there.  Maybe a tiny boob tingle.  Trigger still there.   

8dpiui (11/4) = absolutely nothing.  This isn't looking good.  I had symptoms by now (cramping) for both my successful cycle as well as the cycle that ended in miscarriage.   The last cycle that was a completely bust of a BFN had no symptoms....just like this cycle.  :(   Freezing.   No noticeable veins whatsoever.  Still no cramps. Trigger still there - lighter than yesterday.

9dpiui (11/5) = 2 or 3 seconds of uterine pokes AM.  Grossed out by marker board marker smell.  Desperate much?  Totally grasping at straws.  Freezing after work.  Couldn't get warm even in shower. Trigger still there - lighter than yesterday.

10dpiui (11/6) = Nothing.  Watery CM AM.  Holy hell, queasy after lunch.  Only queasy for like 10 minutes follwed by a tension headache in neck.  Shaky hands and legs after grocery shopping.  Very light cramps at night.  Trigger still there.  

11dpiui (11/7) = Vivid dreams last night. CM AM.  I think my chest looks veiny but I thought this last month too.   Constipated.  Sweaty.  Now cold.  Peed 5 times already today 11am.  Hot then cold over and over and over.  PM=shaky feeling again, achy left boob, warm cheeks, tiny uterine pulling feeling. Veiny chest and boobs.  Trigger baaaaaarely there.  Almost non existent.

12dpiui (11/8) = Some dreams, not sure how vivid they were.  Veins are gone.  Headache. AF like cramps.  Giant headache.  Feel exactly like I feel before AF.  Negative FRER.  Not even a shadow.  I'm 100% sure it's not happening.   Reflux.  Right boob tingling.

13dpiui (11/9) = Definitely veiny boobs.  Thirsty.  Shadows on some wondfos / BFN on others.   I think at this point they are evaps.

14dpiui (11/10) = BFN again on a wondfo and FRER. Stopped progesterone.

Final update...

15dpiui (11/11) = Got my period already.

Monday, October 27, 2014

IUI Complete - TWW Begins

IUI is complete!   Pretty bad pains on my right side.  Maybe fluid just filling my empty follicles on that side?  I doubt I'd get any OHSS with e2 only 1125 on the day of trigger.  So there was a little bit of blood after the IUI.  I hope it was from my cervix and not from my uterus.  When she had the catheter in there I swear she poked me with the end.  I felt a sudden pinch then a few flutters like spasms.  Maybe it was when she put the sample in and it going through my thinner left tube?  Who knows.  Either way I hope everything is okay.  She said I had about 5 matures when they triggered so I'm just lucky they let us attempt this and didn't just cancel outright.  So I'm officially in the TWW!!!

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Monitoring Appointment #4 - IVF Converted to IUI

We went to Cleveland Clinic this morning for a monitoring appointment.  We have two 20mms, and I think it was 3 between 12 and 17.   My e2 was actually up to 1,125.   It was decided to cancel the cycle (I knew it!).  They wanted to cancel cancel and not even attempt an IUI but I made the nurse call the doctor back after I reminded her that my husband has 0% morphology she called the doctor back and then called me back that they'd do it!!   So we will trigger tonight and do an IUI in 2 days on Monday.  Yes, I am disappointed in this cycle, but yes, I am happy to save $11,000 and not proceed just to retrieve a handful of eggs.