BFN

I just want to have a good cry.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that having a second child would be HARDER than the ordeal we went through to have our first.  :(  Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and live my life with 1 child.  Then I remember why I am doing this.  I am doing it for Victor!  I want him to grow up with a sibling.  But I never wanted him to be a bazillion years older than his sibling either.   My brother and I are only 18 months apart and I love it.  My husband and his sisters are each 3 years apart.  They love each other but don't talk that much.  I want Victor to grow up really close to his sibling(s) and stay close in his adult life.  Infertility is eating me alive.  I feel like I am completely losing my identity to this disease.  Yes, it's a disease.  F U insurance companies for not paying for my disease when you pay for gastric bypasses.  I know I sound completely bitchy but I cry as I write this.  I am just at my wits end.  I wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel but at every turn there are only more hurdles.  I am tired.  I think about my infertility about 90% of the day.  I just wish I could live my damn life and not struggle to have a baby while other's get it for free without even a second thought.   This TWW was really rough on me.  Moments I was positive I was pregnant, then pee sticks said otherwise.  Then pee sticks hinted I was with pink shadows of lines....how could THAT be an evap line?   But it probably was because the tests today are blank.  I am just tired.  Sometimes I think a flat out BFN would be waaaay easier than all this pee stick madness.   Going through the miscarriage in May almost broke me.   This is almost breaking me.   Yes, "at least I have Victor."   I put that in quotes because I'm sick of people belittling secondary infertility.   I hurt.  Maybe not as much as someone with primary infertility but I still hurt.   I hurt because I can't have the family that I always dreamed of having.  I am not getting any younger and our bank accounts aren't getting any fuller.  If you still like me after reading this rant then please pray for me.  Pray for me to find peace.   .......and mom, I'll be okay.