No medical updates... bitchfest ensuing...continue reading at your own risk.....
I wish I could be happy for them. I AM happy for them - a little - but my sadness for myself trumps any shred of happiness I have for them. You see, several friends have recently shared me with they are pregnant. Even a few of my INFERTILE friends are pregnant and yet I still am just so sad/mad - "why them and not me?" A close friend in real life (aka, not an internet friend) told me at a family party recently that she's pregnant but not announcing it yet. This one stung because I would have been the same "weeks along" as her if I didn't miscarry. An internet friend (aka, someone from my infertility forums) posted a sonogram photo on our hidden groups' Facebook page. She's 8.5 weeks. Just under what I would have been if I didn't miscarry. This one stung because not only is it visual, but she was almost doomed for a miscarriage herself. Her early betas not only were incredibly low, they REALLY didn't double at first. Back then I thought for sure I was going to carry to term and she was going to sadly, miscarry. How the world turned on me. Now I get to stare at the tiny little arms and legs of her 8.5 week miracle on my Facebook feed (update... I found out how to hide this post from my feed). I really don't want to be this bitter. And I sure as hell don't want to be looked at as bitter either. It is just hard watching so many women/friends walking around pregnant. Why can't I have that? Why can't I grow my family too? No one can understand my heart unless they have been there too - and I know a lot of you reading this are there too. Hang in there. I hope we can all make it out together.
About Us
- Lauree and Mike
- After an 8 year battle with infertility and countless struggles, our family is finally complete. This blog chronicles the journey it took for us to start and build the family we always wanted. Background on the blog (started in 2012, just days before I found out the embryo transfer for our son worked).... I decided to start a blog after realizing I have only been able to make it through my TWW's (two week waits) with the help of Google and with the openness of other women suffering from infertility sharing their own stories and giving others hope. I have time and time again found my exact symptoms on other women's blogs and felt an overwhelming sense of calmness they provided me. I thought it was time to pay it forward and hopefully provide this same thing to other women on their own journeys.
Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jill. Hugs.
DeleteOh lord that just sucks. It stings when your infertile friends are on their way to baby #2. I have had the same thing happen to me in the last month - 4 infertile couples in fact are on baby #2 already. Totally OK to let yourself feel what you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteThanks for understanding. Hugs.
DeleteI know exactly how you feel! I was on your FET board earlier this year with my "5 blast frosties" that we all felt sure would give my 9 month old a sibling.....one didn't make it out of the freezer, and the other four were transferred (in two different cycles)...both BFNs. I know it was my lining that failed. Last week was brutal for me, but this week is better. I'm under some strange delusional spell that we will somehow have a natural miracle, since we are officially done with IVF.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up! Love on that sweet boy of yours and remember how much worse all this would be if we didn't have them. Hugs❤️
I'm so sorry to hear that hun. :( I would think the same thing too - 5 blasts should at least yield one baby. I am under the same delusional spell as you....we "try" every month we aren't IVF/FET cycling but with my blocked tube and his slow swimmers, the odds are supremely against us. I hope we both get surprise BFPs!
DeleteIt is SO hard. I had a miscarriage in February, and after the miscarriage, I found out a friend of mine got pregnant right away when they started trying, and she was only a few weeks ahead of where I would have been. I avoided her for months because it hurt too badly. And then in May, we went to a birthday party and there were two women there who were as far along as I would have been if I had stayed pregnant. They were beautiful and big and pregnant, and it hurt like hell to be there, faced with what I would look like had my baby lived. Later, my infertility counselor told me I should never have stayed at the party. It's hard enough just getting by without putting yourself in situations like that. But sometimes they are unavoidable.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it when it rains it pours? One pregnant friend is bad enough but why do they ALL have to be pregnant at the same time when we are not! Hugs!!!
DeleteI understand completely how you feel and I'm so sorry. In the past 3 years I've watched most everyone I know fertiles and infertiles go on to get pregnant and have their baby. Everyone that was on the DOR threads with me way back when and now everyone that was on the donor egg threads. It's difficult when what you want more than anything feels so far away. Just hang in there. I wish it were easier for you. For me. For all the women still fighting.
ReplyDeleteHang in there hun. :( Hugs.
DeleteI understand. Right now worried that one of my close friends is pregnant with her third and so upset about it because it makes it so hard to spend time with girlfriends when they are pregnant or have small babies. The problem with multiple failed IVFs is now you are envious, not only of those who get pregnant the easy way, but of those who get pregnant with IVF too. I get angry when I see people carrying their babies in those plastic made-in-China carseat carriers. If I had a second baby, I would carry her in my arms everywhere! Most of the time (90%?) I am not sad or bitter. There are just moments, and I don't know if they will ever go away. It's like losing a parent, this great grief, but it's worse because when you are still only in your mid-thirties, the inability to have a child with the man you love is not natural. Then I feel like I don't have the right to be so sad since we are not pursuing egg donation or adoption, but this is not true, I do have the right to be sad. It is so hard not to feel angry when God gives others so easily what He doesn't give you even though you want it so badly and have tried so hard. But again, most of the time I'm okay, I'm getting used to being a one-child family more and more as time passes. And I still believe in miracles. Except we've already had our miracle - for us it was first miracle, then (unfulfilled) fertility treatment struggle, since we got pregnant the first time we tried; then it turned out we couldn't even try IUI, my husband's counts were so low, and apparently I don't have good eggs, at least under IVF stimulation. After losing eight embryos in four failed IVFs (never any to freeze) and multiple cancelled cycles, I don't know that I would try again with my own eggs even if it were free. It's no longer worth it to me, this suffering through the treatment for nothing in the end. But I'm so sad I can't have a baby the normal way, when so many others do. It has affected many friendships. Thankfully I have a couple of girlfriends who are in a similar boat and have onlies. Cry, do what you have to, then get on and enjoy your son. There is something to be said for not wanting what you can't have. When I practice yoga I think about what Iyengar taught about being free from want. I still pray for another miracle though.
ReplyDeleteI am losing friends over it too. :( Mostly internet friends as I don't even have too many girlfriends in real life. We should totally hang out sometime. Single child moms unite! :)
DeleteI understand you completely! I just had my 5th miscarriage and have had no live births. I have several friends who have had successful ivfs recently and we have shared our journey's (betas, songrams etc) from the start of our cycles. I would have liked to continue having updates from them because I love success stories. Sadly they have stopped answering my messages and just avoid me since my miscarriage. My husband said it is probably because they feel badly that I am no longer pregnant. Well I feel worse for being shut out like I am an alien. Lauree, you are still mourning the loss of your baby so be gentle with your self and give your heart time to heal. Sending you big hugs!
ReplyDelete